A Stream of Consciousness | November 30, 2023 | Seance

I have not been able to write for 3 years now. Sounds dramatic, I know, but it’s not untrue. Whatever skill or discipline I developed for myself since I began posting my writing in 2015 has mysteriously vanished since 2020, and I’ve been grasping onto as many faint strands of whatever is left of it ever since. I have zero understanding or recollection of what exactly happened. Perhaps not feeling insecure in my relationship or not repeatedly feeling broken hearted has finally taken its toll on my creative side…? Except for the fact that falling in love with my fiance revealed my inner Shakespeare (or 2011 Drake), writing verse after verse of poetry for him. Therefore, the lack of emotional damage from my present  relationship cannot be the reason my pen fails to touch paper. If anything, it’s likely the consequences of repeated exposure to world issues and humanitarian crises through my not so subtle social media addiction that has worn down my mental and emotional shields.  And maybe, the result of this addiction in combination with the realities of our human existence, taking me on this rollercoaster of a ride that we call Life, has inevitably taken its toll on my ability to parse through my feelings, understand them, and write about them. Afterall, how could I ever assume my feelings and the happenings of my own life could take precedence over all of the tragedies happening around the world.  But this is a topic I can’t even begin to explore, as the only emotions I can feel towards it are anger, shame and hopelessness that undoubtedly shatters my heart. So for now, I digress… 

If you could not already tell, this is one long stream of consciousness.  Since this is the only way I’ve been able to form sentences on a page, no matter how convoluted, I’ve decided to embrace it in hopes that pulling at these ghostly strands of the version of me I once called a writer, and a story-teller might encourage her to find her way back to me.

So I wonder if you’d like to join me in my seance and listen for that ghost whom I’ve been calling upon. Of course, if you don’t like to read, or maybe just don’t like to read what I write, then don’t feel pressured to be subjected to the ridiculous string of words I’m using to flush out my writer’s block. But since I cannot write poetry, or blog posts, I invite you to read my new segment of minimally edited streams of consciousness, flow of ideas, strings of thoughts, free associations of words, of which I’m hoping will slowly help me carve out the writer I’ve always hoped to be. 

Now, about these photos. I’ve been trying to dip my toes back into photography, with zero pressure of requiring my photos to look like ‘this’, or ‘that’, but simply trying to enjoy the act of taking photos again. This past summer, thanks to excitement for my new camera (a birthday gift from my love), I started carrying it around with me as often as I could. And sure enough, I began to feel the enthusiasm again, the interest in learning about photography, in experimenting with styles, trying out different compositions, and just genuinely enjoying capturing the moments that I loved existing in. These particular photos were taken on a Sunday evening in July, when me and my fiance decided to go to the island for a day at the beach, and catch the sunset over the city. Turns out, from the vantage point of Hanlan’s Point Beach, the Sun doesn’t actually set over the downtown skyline but rather Etobicoke. Despite the oversight, it was still a stunning scene that we basked in until the sky grew dark and the city lights flickered on. The seagull that you see in the photo, seemed to somehow know I had an interest in photographing the skyline, and stayed within my frame the entire time, giving me full on ‘main character energy’. Needless to say I jumped at the opportunity to have him as my model, and am certain that if he too had a social media addiction, would be blushing at the idea of being an instagram model. Until next time, thanks for reading <3